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3 Comments • May 9, 2014 4095

Skal! Our Eurovision Drinking Game

There’s nine hours of Eurovision on Australian screens this weekend. Are you up for it? If you are, you’ll need Crikey/Daily Review’s 2014 Eurovision drinking game.

The two semi-finals air on SBS Friday and Saturday nights, with the big kahuna final airing from 7.30pm Sunday. True fans will need to maintain a cone of silence from Sunday morning, which is when the final actually happens on Copenhagen’s Eurovision Island (true story). Bury your smartphone, turn off all radios and hide from the world. Eurovision is here.

Crikey has peeked at the dress rehearsals and can assure you that in fine Eurovision tradition, there are key changes, wind machines, zany use of drums, made-up languages and a smattering of ethnic dress and instruments.

This is also the year of the giant prop, outlandish dance moves from back-up singers, whistling, baking themes (yes, really), boring love ballads (some of them in foreign, which is even worse), and P!nk-inspired power songs from the women of Europe.

And believe us when we say that Celine Dion, who won the title in 1988 clad in the traditional Eurovision “bride” outfit (all white) casts a long shadow. There are plenty of Celine imitators gracing the Copenhagen stage.

And even Australia has a presence this year. In the semi-final airing here on Saturday night, singer Jessica Mauboy hits the stage as an hors concours entertainment act. SPOILER ALERT: it involves an astronaut and an Aboriginal flag (no comment).

Sadly, the magnificence of Eurovision — truly odd acts, biting commentary from Terry Wogan, awful originality from obscure post-Soviet nations — is dimming. More and more acts are from youths who came third in their country’s version of X-Factor. Bland songs are written for them, a few pretty back-up figures in black are added, and hey presto. Well that gets nul points from Crikey. But there’s hope — this year’s entries from Georgia, Austria and Ukraine are something different.

So lay on the smorrebrod, charge your glasses with pilsner or akvavit and print out Crikey’s Eurovision drinking game (there’s a printer-friendly version here). The rules are simple. Divide your audience into teams and give each team an item or two from the “team-based drinking regime”. For the top list, everyone drains their glass.

EVERYONE SKOLS

Use of oversized props: it’s hard to miss that giant parachute/hamster wheel/trampoline. The moment the prop is used, drink.

“The bride”: if anyone is in all white, including man-brides, you skol. And if there are two brides on stage, remove a garment. Better dress warm …

The classic key change: drain your glass. If you’re feeling frisky, why not try for that high note yourself?

The Mary: any reference to — or sighting of — Princess Mary of Tasmania/Denmark, please be upstanding and skol. Anyone who remains seated will feature prominently in the next day’s Hobart Mercury.

“Nul points”: it’s every entrant’s worst nightmare, so the least you can do is drink in sympathy every time the hosts mention “nul points”.

TEAM-BASED DRINKING REGIME

Marshalls, divide your audience into teams and give each team one or two of these little numbers. Each team has to drink every time their event happens. 

1. If you couldn’t locate this country on a map, or thought it was made up, take a sip (be honest now).

2. Whistling is a thing this year. If it happens on stage, drink.

3. Lead singer points at the camera, reaches for the stars or does similar one-armed gesture. Please drink, then imitate said gesture.

4. “The toilet break”: the moment you decide this ballad is really dull, take a sip and sit back.

5. “What the …?” if a chorus is sung in foreign, wet your whistle.

6. Creative/zany use of drums. Believe me, it’s coming.

7. Use of indigenous/ethnic dress or instrument.

8. Baking or cake reference. Yes, really.

9. The classic reveal. As someone on stage whips off a garment, take a slug.

Check out SBS’s coverage here and tune in from 8.30pm Friday. Let’s hope we’ll see Denmark shine like it did in 1985 (see below). 

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Comments

3 Responses to Skal! Our Eurovision Drinking Game

  1. Sara says:

    Additions:
    Wind machine – drink
    Smoke machine – drink
    Explosions – drink
    Rising up out of the stage/emerging from a box etc – drink

  2. Jean Wyldbore says:

    Oh, Crikey! Very disappointed in your promotion of the consumption of alcohol as a “game”. (In years past I’d have expected a sensible and appropriate response from the Alcohol & Drugs Council of Australia (ADCA) – but of course, it was peremptorily de-funded by the Deputy Minister for [un]Health, Sen Fiona Nash.) Isn’t Eurovision bad enough without a hangover the next day? While all Crikey readers are, naturally, sensible people who wouldn’t dream of playing ‘games’ with alcohol, there are mischief-maker trolls out there who will pan you for it. Retract, Crikey, retract!

    • Paul says:

      Jean, honestly – why not stuff your head in a cardboard box and post it to someone who cares. For God’s sake: aren’t you aware that our species – Homo sapiens sapiens – has adaptations in our liver specifically for processing alcohol? We *evolved* to drink alcohol and watch eurovision! Damn, *I’m drunk already*, and if hasn’t even started yet!

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